Relationship is difficult for me. Not that I don’t love, but I seem to be hard to love. My past relationship.. my exes makes me seem like a very unloved person as they fell out of love with me citing it is because I love too much? Or simply because they think they deserve better ones.. in other words I am not good enough for them. Apparently I could be someone they are ashamed of to be associated with. These are the people that I once love and treated them with lots of care and attention. Perhaps they were lonely and so happen I was there so they dated me out of convenience. Or there is something that they need from me that’s why they were with me and once they achieved what they wanted from me.. of course.. they can’t wait to get rid of me as soon as they can.
This has been way I was treated, always being blamed when things go wrong. So much so I am find it hard for me to love myself too. So much damaged has been done to me during the course of the relationship especially when they love you not enough or they are purely selfish.. I tried. . I fucking tried in every relationship. . Unfortunately I was told I was never good enough
Of late, I been working out (vigorously) daily at the gym. I guess I am sorta hook to the feeling of sweating as I workout. Plus it kept my mind off things that I am unable to sort out for the time being.
Spending time in gym is also good for me to stay away from home and use my (leisure) time effectively. I guess I can’t always depend on my friends to hangout with me and they probably got tired of me and was eager to get rid of me lol. Hence, I am practically spending all my spare time in the gym.
And I am pretty happy with the results as my abs, my thighs and my arms are toning up nicely. The best part is losing weight as I am not eating much and I am mostly on fruit diet or vegetarian diet.
And i am adding belly dancing, zumba and yoga to the list so yup, this is how I keep myself occupied instead of bothering my friends. And you are welcome, I am glad to get rid of myself for you guys :D.
I hope to lose another 10 kilograms (22 pounds by end of July) before my Bangkok trip, because I have a hunch that I am gonna gain weight during my trip there. But I am planning to walk a lot (trust me, by a lot I am referring for hours 😉 ) as I want to visit the museums, temples and places of interest on my own as my family members have different interest fro mine. Anyone from Bangkok who like to volunteer to be my tour guide?
In my quest to have a skinny body and lesser weight, I have been on a diet since my dog crossed the rainbow bridge last month. It all started that I was grieving and I lost my appetite almost completely (I was crying nonstop as I grieve and I guess depression kills my desire to eat). The only time I eat would be because I was (forced) to eat with someone so I have no choice but to order food for myself out of politeness. And honestly speaking, I would be extremely grateful to find a ‘meal buddy’ to keep myself occupied. It is not easy to find friends that’s genuinely interested in accompanying me (during my grieving period). Oh god, no, don’t get me wrong, I am not anti-social. I am just a guarded gal who doesn’t share much of my private life with many people. So yup, I am almost a loner in almost everything I do.
Anyway, as I wasn’t really in the mood or appetite for solid food, strangely enough I was drawn towards fruits based diet and liquid diet as well. I guess it doesn’t require much chewing? Maybe I was too lazy to chew? And it is a good excuse to be on diet? (somehow i have a feeling my sub conscious mind was playing some sort of trick and kinda encourages me to have liquid diet!).
Coincidentally, the price of mangoes were relatively cheap and it prompted me to buy a few kilograms (yeah, too tempting! >.<) of the fruit. A cup of mangoes is equivalent to 100 calories and the best part is it helps to quash my cravings for sugary food. I also found out that mango is actually the national fruit of India (surprise!) Mango is also known as king of fruit and in India mango symbolizes love (seriously?). But yes, mango is one of my favourite fruit and I can practically eat it daily without getting tired of it 😀
And of late, I was hooked to mint leaves (yes, you read it correctly). It all started with the couple-yoga class which I attended weeks ago and the yoga instructor provided us with some complimentary health juice and she was blending the mint leaves into the health drinks and I was like, oh gosh, this taste soooooooooooo good! And since then I tried to blend mint leaves into the smoothies that I been taking daily. Mint is rich in Vitamin A and C. In fact, the Romans believe eating mint will increase their intelligence (oh man, i should have taken a bucketful of mint during my montessori studies 3 years back lol, grrrrr!) Furthermore, it was believed that the scent of mint is able to stop a person from losing his or her temper! (damnit I should have shove the mint into the nostril of anyone who’s about to lose their temper or throw tantrum at me, haha)
Oh well, after writing all these, am gonna go to the kitchen to blend some mango+mint smoothies! Anyone up for a glass of mango smoothies? Hurry and text me before I finished them all, lol.
I admit I am old school. I am a sucker when it comes to friends who makes an effort to keep in touch with me. I love people who actually check up on me. It warms me all the way to my butt 😀 ( I got big butts lol). I grew up in a small town (back then it was small) in Perak, namely Teluk Intan. Friends companionship are all we had during our childhood days. Plus some outdoor activities aka tree climbing, wading in flood waters (my town is prone to flooding due to the fact it is next to the famous Perak River and the dam is always overflowing) , or playing with the touch-me-not plant (I love this plant! :D) or even pretend play of cooking using leaves and stones or even catching small longkang fish (drain fish). I was pretty much a tomboy as a kid.
God, where was I again lol. Well, had a gathering with my childhood friends durin the Eid Mubarak holiday. It was really reminiscing about the school days and old times. Oh man, we practically know each other since we were 6 years old. How cool is that! These childhood friends – they know me because I am me. Nothing to do with whether if I am rich ( which I am not) and if I am pretty (definitely am not pretty as well). I love it when someone wants to have you as a friend without any bad intentions.
So the lunch went well as we were catching up on what’s happening with each other since some of them, the last time we met was like 5 years ago. The topic is basically on living healthy and eating healthy which is col to me too. Because I am working very hard to lose weight by working out almost 7 days a week!
The irony thing is after the healthy lunch we ended up in calories-loaded tea break haha. But then the sugar boost does spike up our adrenaline and we all got so hyper and the chattering continues with plenty of laughter, so much so that even the waiters and waitresses there were laughing along with us. No thanks to me, because I was giving silly names to the desserts in fujian dialect, thus making the elegant dishes becomes very chinese. Well sorry buddy, that you gals have to put up with a crazy friend like me A thousand apologies!
And conclusion is, I really appreciate friends who try their hardest to keep in touch with me with daily texting or checking on me from time to time. I love you for making my life – being cared for, being loved and for thinking about me. I totally appreciate that very very very much.
I had my first belly dancing and it was quite interesting. Why? Because to me, it is a different kind of dance which has its own unique steps and posture. I have always been fascinated with dances since I was a kid. I come from a small town that it is pretty difficult to have any sort of ‘special’ activities to be able to survive.
I remember while I was 10 years old, I told my parents I wanted to learn ballet. It started that this one day I saw one of my schoolmate dancing so elegantly on her toe.. ballet! And she look so beautiful in her leotard and tutus.. with her slender long legs and arms and fingers and all that. I was actually very (yes i repeat.. extremely to be exact) mesmerized by that image of her till today. Her hair was neatly tied up in a bun and she looks stunning as she danced away gracefully in pink. And the bad news is the nearest ballet school is 2 hours drive away. 😦
So there goes my dream of learning ballet. And finally now being adult and the capacity to do whatever I want (I hope so!) I signed up for the free belly dancing in Oasis Square Ara Damansara and oh man, I am glad I did!
The dance instructor was really good in giving guidance and I look in awed as she dance away with her near perfect moves. How I wish I can dance the way she does! And as I look at myself in the mirror, I think I look like a penguin as I followed her dance steps (ughhhh!). She started with repetitive steps of moving to the left and right. And we gradually move into the next dance move of shoulder movement. From shoulder movement, it expanded to arms movement. The difficult part is the vigorous ‘shaking’ of the ass, thighs and boobs together. I would have swear I look like someone who is experiencing epilepsy seizures! >.<
I personally love the soft gestures of covering half the face with my palm indicating shyness (part of the belly dancing choreography story) and partially cupping my ass as I am moving my hips. I enjoyed the class very much so I signed up for the weekly classes. And now my lady boss wanted to join me in the class after she heard me describing the dance move. So yup, till the next lesson, I love to share my dance experience on my next class. I love to tone my body especially my shoulder and hip while enjoying the dance, life is good when you are able to do what you love, don’t you agree? ❤
As much as I look calm outside, I have been struggling lately, be it my private life or working life. I have difficult past relationship that I been working hard to move on (which I finally did) and right now at this moment I am trying to manage my new relationships.
However, it is not easy. Work wise, I have to learn the art of being a versatile conversationalist with a pinch of humor and intelligence needed in order to capture the attention of the clients.
Personal life wise, a lot do not actually understand me. If i am comfortable with the person, trust me, i have plenty to talk. If i don’t, don’t expect much words from me or even a single word. People skill has always been an issue with me. I seriously hate being pushed away or the other party showed absolute no interest in keeping in contact with me nor trying to spend time with me. (been there, done that, for one damn year, I was being pushed away and ignored or he actually never sent me any fucking text to initiate conversation with me). And.. one day… the old and weary me, just gave up on the whole relationship because for one, i hate being push away and for two, i am so done whenever people show absolute no interest in being with me.
The one year of hell that i went through was a good training ground. i learn that i will only be with those who is eager to be with me. I will never ever beg for attention because i learn it the hard way, never chase love, affection or attention. If it isn’t given freely by another person, it isn’t worth having. And once i given up on the person or i am done, i am really done and have absolutely no interest to spend time nor even feel like talking to them anymore.
To me, grey area is a tough call, because i have always been either a white or black decision person. and yes, this is to simplified my life instead of arguing white or black. i hope to resolve this struggling moment soon..
Being an outspoken person since I was a kid, I really get annoyed or impatient when someone kept silent about their thoughts or feelings. To me, spoken words are better than unspoken words. Because unspoken words will eat into you. Unspoken words creates struggling and it eventually develops into negative thoughts or feelings towards both party – one who wants to hear it all while the other kept suppressing them.
Unspoken words hurts. When feelings and emotion are not shared, it creates tension and leads to non-communication. And it also hides the actual personality and characteristic of the person. Honestly I love dealing with a direct person than someone who kept all the feelings and emotions bottled up. It kills me trying to figure out what the other party actually wanted.
I figure unspoken words could mean either the person doesn’t want to hurt others or they want to hide their feelings. IMHO it’s unhealthy in any relationship. And it may be a costly lesson as you might jeopardized the relationship in the long run.